There was once a point in time when popular culture didn’t solely revolve around Call of Duty, plastic surgery, and LMFAO. In those enlightening days, it was hot to quest for knowledge, and one of the only means by which to do so was reading.

So to honor Johan Gutenberg for inventing the printing press and ultimately keeping Western civilization out of a perpetually feudalistic state, I urge you to read a book.

Here are a few suggestions:

If you are: 15  and brooding or you have yet to reach your maturity peak as a human, OR like Allen Ginsberg, LSD, Easy Rider…

You should read: The Perks of  Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

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If you like: Reckless womanizing to cover up your homoeroticism, pretending to enjoy what Glenn Beck has to say, men

You should read: When I Knew by Robert Trachtenberg

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If you like: Obedience, khaki, Socialism

You should read: The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels

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If you are: White, gentrified African American, or obnoxiously ironic…

You should read: Stuff White People Like by Christian Lander

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If you like: Yachts, tennis whites, cocaine, insider trading OR are an extreme narcissist or minor sociopath…

You should read: The Informers by Bret Easton Ellis

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If you are: a head bitch in charge, a humanist, and have hope that mankind can change its nature and fix itself before it’s too late…

You should read: Middlemarch by George Eliot

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Other recommendations:

If you like: War stories, Faulkner, weeping Read: The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien

If you like: Exposing embarrassing family secrets, hilariously sarcastic humiliation Read: When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

If you are: Boring, pretending to be interesting Read: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

If you like: Mixed media, Adderall, anything beautiful, Judaism Read: Extremely Loud and Incredibly  Close by Jonathan Safran Foer

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Moral: the more you read or at least pretend to read, the more interesting people will think you are. The only exception to this rule is anything by Dan Brown or that bitch from The Hills.

XO|Eliot George

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